What cocktail goes well with a heart attack?

Adult: 15 compressions, 2 breaths. 15 compressions, 2 breaths. 15 compressions, 2 breaths. 15 compressions, 2 breaths. Check pulse.

Child: 5 one-handed compressions, 1 breath. 5 one-handed compressions, 1 breath. Do this 10 times and check pulse. Learning this and other essential first aid techniques is how I spent last weekend. I had several bad date flash backs as I made out with Peter the plastic mannequin. The actual androgynous name did nothing for me so I changed it. It took my instructor a while to get my sense of humour, but once he did, boy did we have some good laughs.

My classmates in general were austere and attending to do nothing but learn about first aid. The girl in the seat next to me was shocked when I asked “what happened to all the snow we were supposed to get?” “How am I supposed to know?” was the sharp retort. Errrrr, I wasn’t accusing you of stealing the weather (although I now wonder if she has perfected the weather machine developed by the Cassadine family and is now able to change weather around the world for a price. Oh wait, this is real life and NOT General Hospital).

She also seemed to think I was trying to cop-a-feel when we were practicing the heimlich maneuvre. Trust me when I say I really don’t want your jugs on my forearms anymore than you do. I have an idea, try wearing a bra, I wore my underwear.

We learned that when a person has hypothermia, treatment should not include alcohol or caffeine because this will only further cool the body. So naturally when we started talking about hyperthermia I suggested the treatment would include sending a St. Bernard out into the desert with a flask full of Irish coffee. But no, apparently alcohol has no place in first aid. At least I got a smirk from the instructor and felt free to act as the peanut gallery. Much to my delight he played along.

He asked us “does anyone know what epilepsy is?” I put up my hand and gave the answer that it meant “the person was possessed by demonic spirits”. Wanting to lighten things up he played along and asked what my treatment would be. “Drill a small hole in the top of the skull to free the spirits” I quipped. “And if that doesn’t work?” “Call them a witch and burn them at the stake.” I was rather pleased with myself and I FINALLY got one or two laughs but most were not amused. A nursing student said that epilepsy was no laughing matter and that some people were actually interested in learning about it. Demonic spirits, hole in head, witch. 1-2-3. How much clearer can I make this for you?

Much to my dismay we never learned how to remove a needle from a person's backside. Much needed knowledge in a room full of human pin cushions.