Welcome to the Neighbourhood

Things are really starting to come together in my new place. As mentioned in “Barn Raising”, the lion’s share of work is complete. There are still pictures to hang, area rugs to place and little touch ups all about. The one room that I can say is finished is my bedroom. More than that, I nailed it! I mean, that room is perfect if I do say so myself.

Everything from the fabric wall (despite nailing the frame to the floor more than once) to the bedding, it is gorgeous. The day I finished my masterpiece, all the stars seemed to align. The hot humid weather we were having was replaced by a lovely, cool, essence-of-fall evening. I cracked the window, dropped the black out curtains and pulled the freshly laundered sheets tightly about my neck.

I drifted off to for what I hoped would be a tranquil night’s sleep in my new tomb like abode. Apparently, leaving the window open was not a good idea. About 2:30 in the morning I was wretched from my slumber by the most disturbing noises. Fumbling with my glasses, I peeled back the drapes to see three collegiate type hooligans out in the street. Normally I would be quite excited at the prospect of three such men being so close to my lair. For you Seinfeld fans, remember the one where Racquel Welch got in a fight with Elaine and everyone thought the cat-fight would be hot? I would like to think something similar would happen on my doorstep, but not at such an ungodly hour.

Anyway, one of them was in much worse shape than the other two. He was resting his arms on the back of his car making sick all over the ground and his shoes. One of his ‘friends’ laughed and snapped pictures on his cell phone while the other just stood there. Up-chucking complete, the unfortunate collapsed. For those of you who are fans of Jack-Ass, I must admit, it is a guilty ‘pleasure’, you will ‘appreciate’ what happened next.

The fool with the camera phone, started to urinate on his now prostrate friend. Classy. The statue like on-looker stepped in to remind the dimwit that he had to drive the now pee soaked friend home. I left my reality TV show – Frat-house Boys Gone Wild – for a commercial break as nature had called.

Upon my return, it was like Arnold Schwarzenegger a la Eraser had been there. The boys were gone and so were their three cars. Not sure if puke/pee drove himself or if there had been a fourth lurking in the shadows. I managed to quickly get back to sleep and did not really suffer any ill effects from the sensory assault. There is a really gross climax to this story, so if this has been off putting for you so far, STOP now. You have been warned. The next morning, as I showered and prepped for work, I heard yet another melee taking place outside. Apparently John Kruger (Arnold’s character in Eraser) realized he had left some evidence behind and sent in a clean-up crew - of pigeons and seagulls!! There was much ado about, how shall I call it? Sick. I shouldn’t complain really, saved me a trip with a mop and bucket.