I Blame The Dollhouse

On Thursday evenings, Kitkat, Fauntleroy and I inevitably congratulate ourselves for looking good for our age. It could stem from a conversation about friends with youth stealing children, flipping through one of Kitkat’s magazines or just standing about in front of a mirror as we are prom to doing that you know. Doesn’t matter how, but we always give each other a little “well done”.

Exactly 5 months from today, a decidedly short horizon, I will encounter my 43 birthday. I don’t plan on looking or feeling any different but do anticipate an increased number of cricks and cracks that have come out of nowhere post-40. But yesterday, BAM, the alarm bells started sounding.

I am currently reading “I Feel Bad For My Neck” by Nora Ephron. This is the part where Pink and Blue girl are culpable. ‘Neck’ was selected based on a recommendation in Real Simple, a source I usually find quite reliable in recommending good reads. It was not until I fetched it from the library did I realize it had a definite female slant. Should have considered the source I guess but as it was a guaranteed LOL I thought I’d give it a go.

As the occupants of the dollhouse are the ones who gave me the subscription to Real Simple, this panic is entirely their fault.

Nora states that her doctor, of what ilk I am not sure, told her that it in year 43 you will start reaching for scarves, turtlenecks and other articles of clothing to cover your neck. Why? Because it is at that magical age you start getting the waddle!

And now I only have 5 months to prepare! Why I was not told of this scientific fact earlier is an outrage. On that note, Dr. Fauntleroy is also to blame. He should have shared this medical secret. Jokes on him though, he will turn 43 before me. HA! Or should I say wHAddle?

Researching preventative measures on the Google is as nerve wracking as the impending epidermis elasticity loss. There are both surgical and non-surgical options available. One includes a complimentary facelift and the other is an endless list of creams, potions, exercises, devices and hollow promises.

And you might be surprised how much debate there is out there. One camp states that exercise will accelerate muscle wear and tear and hasten the sag while others claim if “you don’t use it, you lose it”. What if I choose the wrong path? What if years from now there is a definitive breakthrough and all along I do the opposite?

It’s like the great pee debate. They used to think if you held it, in the long run you were building up your bladder's strength and resistance, staving off the need for Depends. But now, now they change their minds and say go when you gotta go!

All hope is not lost however, I refuse to admit defeat. Genes must have something to do with it. As I take after the Cosby side of the family, my spirits were somewhat lifted, and I’m sure that positive energy translated to my neck, when I noted my mother still has a taut neck. Not sure that is the best descriptor, but it sounds better than waddle.

Next time I review the Real Simple list of recommended reads, I am looking for titles like “1001 ways to save your neck” and “43 is not the end of the plunging neckline”. And if they don’t exist, I’ll write them myself!