Male PMS

I have a theory. It is one that many people laugh at. Mind you if they laugh at the wrong moment I am apt to kill them and get away with it in court. You see, I believe that we men have our very own monthly cycle. The ladies have PMS and we get what I have dubbed HIS – hormonal imbalance syndrome.

I get short with people (not physically of course, as that would be silly.) I mean short tempered, snappy and bitchy. Feel bloated and am generally foul. I know it is next to impossible for those who know me to believe that, but it is true. I actually get grouchy. It all started in my early teens and I simply chalked it up to puberty and all the lovely changes that accompany that most enjoyable stage in life. But here I am ready to celebrate the 8th anniversary of my 29th birthday and my “Aunt Flow” still comes for a regular visit. That is one thing – of many - the confused me greatly growing up. I did have an Aunt named Florence that we called Aunt Flo. I kept hearing that she was coming or had just been for a visit but I never seemed to see her. Did she not like me? And where was Uncle George during all these visits? And what about gifts! Where were the gifts?

While I do not enjoy having to suffer from this affliction, I am grateful that all I have to deal with is the mood swings and water retention. I am not the one bombarded with commercials saying “Women have amazing curves. We also have our periods.” And what is up with the little red dot bouncing around telling my sister-friends life is hell and that stuffing something with wings in my underpants will make me feel better? Wings? Down there? There are some thing’s that just ain’t fittin’. And that is one of them. I have to say though, I am a little jealous. Women have a fan club called Kotex Connection (even I couldn’t make THAT up) where there is “news on great products and promotions, like where to get free Kotex coupons. Because everybody can use a little help sometimes.”

To be fair, I must state that the fine folks at Kotex have not left us boys out of the loop. The do have a section for boys with riveting topics like “private parts” (a Michael Jackson favourite), “hair, there, everywhere,” and “say hi to hygiene and bye to acne”. I even learned something - the term ‘nocturnal emission’. That was a new one.

It seems that I have stumbled onto a potential gold-mine. For starters PMS has everything from your basic hygiene products to fridge magnets to PMS ‘rebalancing crème’ – again, not making that up. And what is up with the cute accent? Like that makes it any more pleasant? But there is nothing for men. Not one marketing gimmick for HIS. Where are the wings for our underpants? One second thought, maybe that is one mine best left undiscovered.

I have come to terms with my HIS but am scared to see what male menopause is going to bring. Yikes!