Thursday, December 14, 2006

Shut Your Cake Hole!

“Shut up” is not a phrase I like to use. Perhaps my aversion to it comes from the ‘shut up’ jar we had as kids. Each time you said it, you had to put a quarter in the jar. When there was enough money we went out to eat. We dined at restaurants at least once a week. Apparently we thought saying it was worth the price. Who knows? At any rate, I now think it rather vulgar. Unless of course, it is Alberta Boy or I screeching “dude shut up” a la Vicki Pollard from Little Britain. It has a certain, what the French would call an “I don’t know what”.

The one time I can’t help myself though is in the movie theatre. First of all, I don’t understand why anyone would pay $12 to go to the movies and talk. You can do that for free at home. If the chatter begins with the start of the film, I usually assume the first few minutes are a ‘settling in’ period. If after that the blathering continues, I will speak up. Not to the extreme of KitKat perhaps who, during a screening of one of the Harry Potter movies, told four teenagers to “please shut the fuck up”. At least he said please. That poor little homo in training had no idea what hit him and his three little fag-hag girlfriends melted into little puddles of silence.

Last night I found myself in a unique position while watching Apocalypto. I really enjoyed the movie and, as an added bonus, Rudy Youngblood was not too hard on the eyes. The violence was graphic and it dragged in places but at the end of the day, thumbs up from me. The entire movie is sub-titled so you need to keep up.

Two seats away from me sat a woman and her boyfriend who felt the need to read each line as it appeared and add their own special brand of commentary. If the music was loud enough I could plug my right ear and filter them out. I hoped, nay prayed, that the people behind them would kick the back of their seats in an effort to silence them. No such luck.

No longer being able to contain myself, I turned to them and asked “would you shut up?”
The girlfriend seemed taken aback and asked if I had asked her to shut up. I said yes and may have even taken the Lord’s name in vain to emphasize my point. My bad. Needless to say I got to enjoy the rest of the movie in peace.

You may ask yourself how I know that said couple were boyfriend and girlfriend and not husband and wife etc. Well, as it turns out they were with us. I went to see the movie with the Italian Stallion and he asked if a few friends could join us. Why not? I like people. Well, most of them anyway. I have a feeling that they won’t be going to movies with me again. After all, first impressions are everything and having someone you just met shush you into silence, does not lay the groundwork for an enjoyable second encounter. Awkward! Either way, I hope they have learned from my valuable lesson or at least learned to stay at home.

Wait. Maybe it’s me that needs to stay home. No no, that can’t be. It’s them, not me.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

well of course you should tell them to shut up- and the writing is very good- i was completely taken by surprise with the fact you knew them- i can remember one guy i was with many years ago actually climbing over the seats in the balcony to forcefully shut up a crowd of teenagers when 'shut up' didn't work- that worked as he was a very large guy. watch the syntax darling- eg not 'I first'

5:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kitkat here. I didn't say please when I told those teenagers to "shut the fuck up." I grabbed one of them by the arm and screeched: "Would you SHUT the FUCK up? (arm shake, and then in a low hiss) "Shut the fuck up."

Most satisfying actually.

1:00 PM  
Blogger Lance Morrison said...

Wow, Kitkat... you're just like Barbra! "Shut The Fuck Up!!" We should take you on tour!

5:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"shut up" No you didnt go there...LOL....Hilarious... You go Bobby...A man of prinicple after all.

---Shaniqua ~~

9:33 PM  

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