Thursday, July 10, 2008

I almost lost my membership card

Being a man who likes the men, I feel that those of my persuasion have certain qualities that my straight counterparts do not. They can catch and throw balls, well I can too but in a different sort of way, while we can cook, sew, dress, dance, arrange flowers, mix cocktails, polish guns, make picnics, set a table properly etc. I also assumed hanging wallpaper would be a talent we were born with.

Well let me tell you, I have learned that while that selecting a fabulous pattern and measuring for the correct number of rolls might come naturally, hanging is not so easy. It isn’t even the physical act of hanging it that presents the challenge so much as reading instructions!

My friend Wade got me what I wanted wholesale (it pays to have friends in the business) and I just assumed that all wallpaper came pre-pasted and all you needed to do was soak it. The tray I borrowed from mother was too short so I simply filled my bathtub, measured and cut the roll and chucked it in.

After letting it soak a good long while, wanting to make sure all the paste was activated, I carefully wrapped the paper in a lint free towel, took it downstairs and put it on the wall. A press here and a push there and hey badda-boom badda-bing, it was up. I have heard that wallpaper can shrink a bit as it dries leaving a line between the sheets so I wanted to make sure it was good and dry before the next piece went up. I put the fan on it and went for a rollerblade.

Upon my return I was shocked to find my wallpaper in a heap on the floor. I must not have soaked it long enough I thought so back in the tub it went. Again, up it went and down it fell. What the hell? It was at this point I decided to read the instructions. Well part of them anyway. They said something about if the wallpaper does not adhere; prime the surface with wallpaper primer. Grudgingly I got in Liza and drove to the lesbian store – the Home Depot.

Home up went the paste and four hours later, I tried again to hang my first piece of wallpaper. Success! It was perfect. Flat and smooth. I hugged the wall. As I did so, the top of the sheet fell on my head. It was at this point I began to question my sexuality. How could I not know how to hang wallpaper? I who won a Home Economics award in the 8th grade? I didn’t understand.

As I poured myself a big glass of Cinzano I read the part of the instructions that indicated this wallpaper “was not pre-pasted” and that you needed to apply “a clear paste to the back and book it for 5 minutes”. I instantly knew what it meant by booking, but damn, I should have read that part first! WOW I thought, I am as dumb as a box of hair.

Once I overcame this little bump in the road, the paper went up, not without trials and tribulations mind you, but up it went. I now have, and no word of a lie, the freakin’ sexiest walls in town. I highly recommend wallpaper, but recommend even more that you always read the instriuctions!


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