Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Knives Are Gay

Given the nature of the weekend, I debated calling this post “Your Goose Is Cooked” but opted for the above title for reasons outlined below.

‘Gay face’ is a term my team will sometimes use when attempting to describe the way a person looks. Cherub like with lots of natural rouge is a fairly succinct definition. Ladies, am I right?

I have also heard the way people run, self included, described as ‘gay.’ This is closely related to the descriptor ‘mincing’ when referring to the way certain gentlemen walk. AKA doily as in “he went, doily, down the street.”

The way in which one does their hair, selects their outfits (i.e. calling them outfits instead of clothes) and pairs their bag with shoes could also be deemed as leading gay indicators.

One thing I never thought would fall into that category is a serrated knife. This weekend while hunting, we took a break for lunch, and as I didn’t have any cooking duties thought I would make myself useful cleaning the seven geese we bagged in the morning.

After plucking the breastbone, skinning and removing the breast meat, I moved to the legs. Not having as much experience in the area, I asked my cousin what I needed to do next. Taking the blade from my hand, he said “well the first thing you do, is next time you’re buying a knife, tell them you’re not gay and don’t want a serrated blade.”

A gay blade? Well now I’ve heard of everything! A rolling pin? Maybe. An apron? Almost certainly. Crisco? Definitely. But of all kitchen accouterments, a knife would be at the bottom of my gay list.

There was the briefest of awkward pauses, mixed with a ‘but I am gay’ glance, before I was back cutting tendons and pulling off skin.

I’m pretty sure it was a slip of the tongue, speaking of gay, and if anything it inspired me into reestablishing my masculinity all afternoon by extra shooting. Not that I took anything else down.

Out again this Friday and Saturday, so I’ll be sure to scratch myself, spit and fart more than anyone else. I’ll show them who the gay one is!

Thursday, February 23, 2012

1G5G 1DD

Okay okay, enough with the emerald. I get it Kitkat and mother. I am slow in blogging. I was leaving it up there to emphasize the importance of it to my having a successful birthday. And alright, I know I am two season’s behind the 1G5G (only the best TV show on right now for those of you not in the know) train leaving the station and am joining in it “so over it ville” but I can’t help it. PS - the 1DD in the title is for "1 Dashed Dream."

Many, truth be told, all but one of my friends think the show is juvenile, silly and do not understand the appeal of it but it is my newest and latest addiction. IronMan makes me sit through ‘Say Yes to the Dress’ and that angers me to the point where I am literally yelling at the TV and I make him watch 1G5G. Mind, by the time the show is one he is more often than not fast asleep.

He, Fire Hydrant, Papi etc. have all said I am too old for the show and that all of the cast is in their 20’s. I thought for sure Yerxa was in his 30’s (and when he said he was in grade 8 when the whole Nancy Kerrigan thing went down I did the math and he is just in his 30’s ….but 30’s not the less.)

Plus, I am very youthful at heart and whilst I may not pass for 20 something, in the right dim lighting, think Blanche in Streetcar, I think I am a solid 38. Give or take 3 years. For 6 more weeks and then it's 4 years. No, 5 years. Damn.

As a once a week fix is not enough, I have discovered past episodes on-line and they help ease the withdrawal symptoms so I treat myself to one a night. Rationing is the best way I think. Fine, sometimes I watch 2 or 3. I never said I was good at rationing.

Sidebar – whoever does their programming needs to understand their target audience a little better when it comes to selecting the commercial between segments. TSN TradeCentre? Really? Are you serious?

Earlier this week, after one too many Hendricks Martinis, I clicked on the ‘how to audition’ button and sent in an e-mail asking how one goes about getting on the show.

Before receiving a response, I watched episode 32 of season 2 and one of the questions was “what do you want to do before you’re 30?” D’oh! So IF I was on the show that question would have to be amended to “30 and a half.” And of course I don’t mean 30 + 6 months…..but 30 + 15 years. I am under THAT wire by 2 years! Snaps for me. Do the young ‘uns still say “snaps?”

Episode 34 didn’t offer anymore hope as there was a question about some none-descript celebrity and a quote went something like “….they are SO old! Yeah, like they are in their mid-40s or something….” And we have strike two.

Srike 3 arrived today when I got a response from the “1G5G Team.” In a nutshell, “just send us a recent picture, your age, where you live and a little about yourself.”

Again, recent picture, in the right light, I’m good. Where I live, GTA! Golden on that front. A little about myself? Hello, former Angels in America pseudo pride float celebrity who is now a fall fair award winning pie baker, what else do you need to know?

But, as the Vancome Lady would say, on point 4, “chaaaaaaa, know vat? Uh-uh.” I am too old for a spot on Aliya Jasmine’s sofa (or one of the two chairs). Dashed are my dreams of my dream panel!

Philip ~ so cute. Although he really needs to get over Madonna. Watch her on Graham Norton, she is really not a nice person.

Jonathan Nathaniel ~ if I weren’t practically married, I’d date him just for his laugh.

Jake ~ HELLO! Look at him.

My fourth co-1G5G cast choice is a toss-up between Andrew (sensational and scandalous but I’m concerned that venimous fishwife would turn his attention on me) and JP. After the fish wipe comment I’d have to go with JP actually.

Perhaps instead of the emerald, that is apparently dyed and riddled with all sorts of scandal anyway, I will assign my friends 1G5G cast identities and have one of the dollhouse girls moderate a session!

Oh what fun it would be! 1G5G – the seniors edition. And yes Papi, now that you’re 30, YOU are a gay senior!