Sunday, March 25, 2012

Million Dollar Idea

Two blog posts about pillows you say? Madness I know. Right out of the gate, acknowledging this COULD be perceived as being in bad taste and /or being too soon. But it could save lives, so, for the record here is a million dollar idea.

Picture it; you've had a bad day at work, or you've had a fight with your partner / spouse, the kids are driving you crazy or you just need some alone time? Like millions of others (see, $1 per person = million dollar idea) you pour yourself a glass of wine and run a bath. The candles are flickering, Josh Groban is drowning out the bellowing of your no-neck monsters and you ease into that almost too hot suds topped water.

Last night at IronGirl's we were chatting about this very thing. Baco Noir's sister said one has to be careful though as she has fallen asleep several times in the bath. I myself have had to flop myself over the edge of the tub in quest of the cool tile floor after one too many Hendrick's Martinis' in a piping hot bath.

Solution, we've all seen those c-shaped travel pillows that wrap around your neck. Now, picture one that is inflatable and has an adjustable strap at the front to complete the circle. Combine fond memories of childhood with a personal safety message, mix with a jazzy marketing campaign and BAM the Whitney Houston Water-Wing is born.

It would be slightly larger than those you see currently and could start out as padding between your melon and the tile wall behind you. And as you start to dose off, presto change-o, instant personal floatation device.

Good idea right? Regardless of your substance of choice you can bathe with confidence. Mind, you might wake up in some rather tepid, potentially 'soiled' water, but you would "rise" above it. See? So many ways to market this one.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Princess and the Pea

Maltese Falcon recently moved from a 2100 sq. ft. 2 story, 3 bedroom suburban house (with a finished basement) that she was sharing with her mother to a scant 1000 sq. ft. 2 bedroom condo in downtown Oakville. And she still shares with her mom.

Naturally, there was A LOT of thinning out and purging to do. She had a massive garage sale, hit Kijiji and CraigsList with gusto. Compromise was the order of the day for both her and her mother. Out went Maltese's stack of cake pans and her mother's overflowing wardrobe was more than cut in half.

It was a somewhat easy 'sell' as most things no longer fit said mother and she was holding onto them for sentimental reasons. Lucky for me!

One thing to go was her mink coat! The lining had seen better days, Maltese would NEVER wear it and her mother, being a fan of moi, said I could have it.

Yes, I tried it on and was tempted to keep it. Alas, it was too short in the sleeves and, as mentioned, the lining had to go. What is a boy to do with a fantastic fur?

When I got word poor Whitney Houston passed on, I remember reading many moons ago, that she had a mink bedspread. When life hands you lemons....... My new found coat wasn't big enough for that but it was big enough for two fabulous pillows! (see photo)

Finally, I have something worthy of laying my precious head on at night. Ahhhhhhhh. I think I even have enough left from the two sleeves to make one kick-ass bolster.

That's a project for another day. Off to bed nice and early to give them a test run.

Sunday, March 04, 2012

Also Gay....

Just back from a second weekend of hunting. As a follow-up to last week's post, here are some other things, while not officially stated as 'gay' were not well received by a group of hunters:
  • sucking ones teeth like Bon Qui Qui and saying "girrrrrrrrl, you crazy."
  • sucking ones teeth like Bon Qui Qui and saying "biiiiiiitch, you crazy."
  • any references to Bon Qui Qui
  • Springform cake pans (but they scarfed down the Martha Stewart cinnamon-streusel coffee cake that was in it!)
  • my totey awes abrevs a la Penny from Happy Endings. Not surprising were the looks of disappointment when I explained the Happy Endings I was referring to is a wick awes TV show and not what you get at the end of a rub n' tug. More bewildering were the inquisitive stares when the penny, of the coin variety, dropped on the fact that I wasn't making an offer.
  • gingham table clothes, picnic baskets or matching place settings
That last one needs a little explanation. Usually, 6'8" (I have a cousin that tall so I shall refer to him as such) takes it upon himself to feed our merry gun toting band. We are sustained by a wide variety of yummy game meats in forms such as venison sausage, moose burgers, goose & pork potpie etc.
As we were going to be out a few times over the past week, I offered to take care of lunch on Friday. From previous posts, you'll note that when I eat in the great outdoors, I pack an assortment of baskets, bins, packs, and totes to make the experience more enjoyable.
Well let me tell you, when the wicker basket landed on the pallet table, all eyes turned. And when the red and white check tablecloth fluttered into place as gracefully as the geese we were going after, the snickering began.
No matter, I paid no heed and soon had them slurping up my goose leg goulash by the bowlful. The food was a success and I think I have set a new standard.
On the other hand, things they do like very much indeed:
  • Farting
  • Beer
  • Repeatedly, at nauseum really, singing one line from a song you claim to hate. i.e. "I'm sexy and I know it."
  • Using the f-bomb, and its derivatives f**king & f**ked, as a noun, adjective, verb and adverb. One must use these terms liberally throughout each and every sentence you deliver.
  • To really make a point, toss in the occasional c**ksucker for good measure.
Don't get me wrong, I know some stories call for the use of a well placed expletive, but as every other word in a sentence and my ears start to bleed.
Oddly, as soon as IronGirl walked on the scene, she was our goose flusher par excellence, the above 'like' list went into immediate remission and everyone was a perfect gentleman. But as soon as she rounded the corner, it was like a curse release valve was engaged and it was time to play catch up.
As the seasoned is now closed, the geese are safe until September. That gives me 6 months to tone down my new found potty mouth and decide if my next strategic move is the introduction of champagne at lunch or an appetizer platter.
My dreams of a Gosford Park hunting weekend will come true one day!