Monday, March 31, 2008

I am sooo getting fired

Hee hee. Spring is in the air and my little mind was working overtime today. Not on anything productive you see, but purely on all things silly. Staying a little late at work tonight, I busied myself leaving April Fools presents for my co-workers. One mouse has been disconnected just enough from its base so it won’t work. It looks, plugged in, but isn’t.

One phone has a small piece of tape over the mouth piece while another, the ear piece. There are unscrewed light bulbs, readjusted chairs and one desk in now the mirror image of its former self.

I messed up my own desk a little too and have been practicing expressions of shock and outrage. I have been know from time-to-time to tell the odd, very smallest of white lies.

The best though is currently sitting in my fridge. The Swingline stapler of my boss is setting in jello! Just like in The Office. The good one from the UK that is, not that silly American one. I hope he thinks it is as funny as I do.

If my work e-mail mysteriously stops working tomorrow morning, you will all know why.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Bad Shreddie!

First of all, who cares? But since I can’t seem to escape the never ending barrage of commercials, billboards and adverts from Shreddies, I feel it is my duty to comment. I am also putting Post on notice, that while your ad rings through my ears and keeps your product top of mind, I will never eat another Shreddie!

Diamond shaped Shreddies? Really? That is the best you can come up with? I am not sure if you deal with an outside agency or have an in house creative team, but I need to tell you that you have an intellectual thief in your midst! If the idea was original, I would concede that it was cute.

However, turn your dial back to 1996 when the folks at Tetley Tea wowed us with the introduction of their round tea bag. It made no difference to the taste (technically there is more surface area, but tea bags really are the hot dogs of tea and are pretty much crap anyway) but riding high on the success of a similar introduction in Britain in 1989, we were bombarded with images of square tea bags having the corners shaved off, becoming round.

Then, and quite cleverly, good old Red Rose countered with a brilliant ad of turning their square tea bag on its tip, making it diamond shaped. Sound familiar Mr. Shreddie? Or should I say Mr. P. (The P is for plagiarism just so you know). Apparently the poor Red Rose folks didn’t have Shreddie money at their disposal and their ad never made it out of the print medium.

But shame on you Shreddie people! You weren’t happy with ‘stays crunchy in milk’ or ‘100% whole grain’. What about the party mix angle? I think you can do better. I know you have likely spent a good deal on this campaign, but I ask that you think of the good name of the Shreddie and come up with something original!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

It's Liza with a "Z"

I gave Mother Nature a hug today. What the hell have you done? After much searching and debating, my dear Lucy has been replaced. She is as shiny as a black patent leather shoe and moves like the wind!

Her name is Liza after the one and only. Why Liza? Well, the trend seems to be that my vehicular modes of transport are named after some quintessential element of their namesake. Evelyn for her size, Betty the Bitch for her pimp like qualities, Lucy for her redness and now Liza for that Cabaret hair cut and colour. Also, if she needs to go to the garage for any reason, I can say she is in rehab.

I had toyed with the name Anna in honor of my long lost high school friend. Well, she wasn’t really my friend in high school. She was in my brother’s year. I knew of her through her brother David (who was in my grade). And he was friends with Randy Stevens. And he (Randy) kept a bully from beating me up in the 8th grade. And then, by the 10th grade I was very glad that tight acid wash jeans were in fashion and that Randy had a pair. And then there was the time Randy got his head shaved as part of his initiation to the local hockey team. That was such a good day. Sorry, where was I?

Right, naming Liza. After speaking to Pink Girl though, I decided against Anna as it might be misconstrued if I said things like “I really drove Anna hard last night” or “That Anna is a temperamental bitch”. So Liza it is.

It has been quite a change in going from Lucy (a 6 cylinder SUV) to Liza (a 4 cylinder Echo) but my first trip to the gas bar made the transition more exciting. She only drinks about $35 at a time (obviously not from my side of the family) and in a full week of traveling back-and-forth to work she only used half a tank! Half!

We have grown quite close in this first week and I hope our relationship will be long lasting and fruitful. I only hope that she is not taken from me like Lucy was. I don’t think I could handle that again.

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Tortoise Weather

We are in the midst of a great Canadian winter! Today alone we are supposed to get 20 – 30 cm of the white stuff. And not the kind you need a razor and mirror to enjoy. This is a gift from Mother Nature and I thank her for it! It has been many a good year since we had a winter of any substance and to those complaining, I say poo poo to you!

It would be better if this was a week day and we all had the day off work, however, it is still a day to enjoy. Last year on my birthday, I received the witty little “How to be Idle” for my birthday. It offers up various suggestions on how to do nothing with your time and not feel guilty about it. On a day like today for example, read, eat, sleep, have sex, bake, meditate, make beef stock, darn socks, paint – relax!

One recipe for idleness is the purchase of a tortoise (hands off Mrs. Beeton!) that you need to take for walks. Can you imagine a more idle activity than walking a turtle? What an opportunity to meet your neighbours! Sure, you would be known as crazy guy that walks a turtle, but is that so bad?

I tried putting little boots on Horace to take him for one such walk today but he was having none of it. He kept pulling his little legs in and knocking them off. Oh well. Wanting to appreciate this weather for no real reason, I bundled up and headed out for two hour walk. I had no errands and no purpose, just aimlessly wandered. The lake served up some spectacular views as the ducks diving for food. I haven’t seen that many asses in the air since I don’t know when.

Noticing the lack of other walkers, I became somewhat sad. I pictured everyone inside cursing the weather and longing for spring. But of the tortoise people I did meet, I noted that they are all good people. Or at least they seemed so at first blush. They stopped and chatted, commented on how nice it was to get a winter like this. Some of them wrestled in the snow with their dogs, others pulled kids on sleds and I even saw some cross-country skiers and people out with snow shoes!

As I turned up 11th Street, I smelled a fire. That alone made my walk worth while – a real wood burning fireplace – how sweet is that? Fond memories of life on Shadylawn Court (yes, that is really the name of the street I grew up on) swirled about in my head. Ahhhhh.

Well, the kettle is calling. LSC and AC brought me some Green and Blacks fair-trade organic cocoa last time they were here for dinner. I off to enjoy a cup and be idle. I hope you will too!

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

The Plug Has Been Pulled

Just like Sarah Connor's roomie said in The Terminator "you're dead honey". These are the words my adjuster said to my dearly departed Lucy. Unlike the Bionic Man, they can't re-build her. Well they could, but her doctor says she would never be the same again. Best donate what is left to science and those looking for spare parts. She is likely to wake up tomorrow in a tub of ice with her battery missing. Thank you doll house girls for all your prayers. I am sure they will help Lucy on her way.

Once again, I am faced with the task finding the perfect girl to complete my life. In the middle of a blizzard no less. I hope it is not as difficult as finding a man. Veronica is keeping me company until Monday, so I have a few days to shop around.

My heart is set on a Honda Element, but my wallet has found a 1948 DeSoto that it likes. I am looking for the silver lining in all this. Lucy liked to drink and it was not a cheap habit to support. I now have the chance to find a lower maintenance type girl. But I still liked riding high with Lucy. She made me feel safe - and the three of us walking away from such a wreck is proof positive that she was.

I can't think about this right now. I'll think about it tomorrow. Just like Scarlet.

Lucy. Friend. Companion. One Hell of a Ride.

2000 - 2008 Rust In Peace

Monday, March 03, 2008

The Near Death of a Legend

When Evelyn left my life, she was belching black exhaust like some poor chain smoker. Betty was put out of her misery when she was put out to pasture and sold for parts. Now, my beloved Lucy is in hospital fighting for her life.

Yesterday, after a lovely day with my parents, I picked up Fauntleroy and Muscleman Jim to go to an auction preview. As we headed along Lakeshore, the person in the lane to my right decided he wanted to make a left hand turn. So he did, into my lane. I pressed on the horn with both hands and the brake with both feet. Lucy’s new tires dug into the pavement as the horn screamed out. But it was too late. Much like the Titanic steaming towards her iceberg (you knew I was going there right?) Lucy skidded into her Chevrolet Lumina.

With a bang and a crash we came to a stop as said Lumina continued his turn. He finally stopped while I got out and inspected the damage. The poor dear had her entire face mashed in! Both the right and left fender, the hood, grill, bumper etc. Her engine gave a pathetic little whine as I turned it off.

“I didn’t know you could drive in that lane” was the other drivers comment as I approached, pen and necessary paperwork in hand. He was referring to the fact that I was in the lane with the streetcar tracks. “What if I had been a streetcar? Why didn’t you check for one of those things coming?” These were the questions in my mind. In mild shock I guess, I simply asked if everyone was okay and sat down to exchange details.

The jury is still out on whether Lucy will make it out of the operating room or if there will soon be a new lady in my life. For now, Veronica, a sassy redheaded Versa is in my garage. She is feisty, but she is no Lucy. I have every confidence that Lucy will pull through – she is of a hearty stock.

We never did make the preview, but I am going to the sale on Wednesday anyway. Ill-fated or not, I am going to look at that couch!