Up Down Up Down Loop Up Down Up....

LSC has a husband who is not a big fan of theme parks. The rides in particular are what he dislikes most. And what is a theme park without rides but a crowded park. So every year or two we get together and venture out into the wild world or roller coasters. Our last foray was not only unsuccessful, but nearly killed us. We made the mistake of going to the CNE and almost plummeted to our deaths when the operator of the drop zone forgot to lower our restraints.

That memory has somewhat faded and this morning at approximately 10:23 I found myself strapped into Canada Wonderland’s new roller coaster Behemoth. Before the first plunge, you could see over everything in the park – including the mountain! Oh My God! It was unbelievable! We figured if we started there, we would avoid a wicked line later and be able to handle any other ride.

The lines were pretty much none-existent but I am not sure why. The sky threatened rain all day but none came. It is the holidays and the kids are out of school, but they didn’t seem to be at the park. So short were the lines that we managed to hit the Psyclone, Time Warp, Flight Deck, Dragon Fire, Wild Beast, Vortex, The Bat, Mighty Canadian Mindbuster, SkyRider (which I am convinced cracked my lower ribs as I tightened the restraint as much as possible to avoid flying out), Krachenwagen and we finished the day with another run on the Behemoth. It was a roller coaster sandwich with Behemoth bread.

After Psyclone, we needed a bit of a sit….and we both promised that would be the last ride we did that spun. That was almost the end of the day. But after a rest in some AC and a little something to eat, we were back at it.

As we were flung here and there, bashed about and generally bruised all over, we kept screaming “I hate this” and “we are never doing this again”. But 15 minutes in line seems to numb the brain and we soon found ourselves being strapped in for more “fun”.

Seven hours later, we called it quits. The “discounted tickets after 5:00” crowd started to make things less desirable. And really, there was nothing else we wanted to do. We did go check the line at the drop tower, but neither of us could muster the courage to go on that again. We knew it was a different park, but death is death and we didn’t want to tempt it again.

Next year LSC, we RIDE again.

I almost lost my membership card

Being a man who likes the men, I feel that those of my persuasion have certain qualities that my straight counterparts do not. They can catch and throw balls, well I can too but in a different sort of way, while we can cook, sew, dress, dance, arrange flowers, mix cocktails, polish guns, make picnics, set a table properly etc. I also assumed hanging wallpaper would be a talent we were born with.

Well let me tell you, I have learned that while that selecting a fabulous pattern and measuring for the correct number of rolls might come naturally, hanging is not so easy. It isn’t even the physical act of hanging it that presents the challenge so much as reading instructions!

My friend Wade got me what I wanted wholesale (it pays to have friends in the business) and I just assumed that all wallpaper came pre-pasted and all you needed to do was soak it. The tray I borrowed from mother was too short so I simply filled my bathtub, measured and cut the roll and chucked it in.

After letting it soak a good long while, wanting to make sure all the paste was activated, I carefully wrapped the paper in a lint free towel, took it downstairs and put it on the wall. A press here and a push there and hey badda-boom badda-bing, it was up. I have heard that wallpaper can shrink a bit as it dries leaving a line between the sheets so I wanted to make sure it was good and dry before the next piece went up. I put the fan on it and went for a rollerblade.

Upon my return I was shocked to find my wallpaper in a heap on the floor. I must not have soaked it long enough I thought so back in the tub it went. Again, up it went and down it fell. What the hell? It was at this point I decided to read the instructions. Well part of them anyway. They said something about if the wallpaper does not adhere; prime the surface with wallpaper primer. Grudgingly I got in Liza and drove to the lesbian store – the Home Depot.

Home up went the paste and four hours later, I tried again to hang my first piece of wallpaper. Success! It was perfect. Flat and smooth. I hugged the wall. As I did so, the top of the sheet fell on my head. It was at this point I began to question my sexuality. How could I not know how to hang wallpaper? I who won a Home Economics award in the 8th grade? I didn’t understand.

As I poured myself a big glass of Cinzano I read the part of the instructions that indicated this wallpaper “was not pre-pasted” and that you needed to apply “a clear paste to the back and book it for 5 minutes”. I instantly knew what it meant by booking, but damn, I should have read that part first! WOW I thought, I am as dumb as a box of hair.

Once I overcame this little bump in the road, the paper went up, not without trials and tribulations mind you, but up it went. I now have, and no word of a lie, the freakin’ sexiest walls in town. I highly recommend wallpaper, but recommend even more that you always read the instriuctions!

Sunburned and Sore

You know the Baz Luhrman song about sunscreen? It gives little tidbits on how to make the most of life; the first being to wear sunscreen because of its long term benefits. Well I have to admit that I am a diligent and liberal about the application of my SPF. Ask anyone in PV08, I was the whitest thing on the beach. So when I went out for a little bike ride with my sister today, I packed it in the car. And then as soon as I got on my bike, forgot about it.

Being 8:00 AM when we left, I thought the sun would not get me too bad so did not turn back. At the halfway point we stop for a drink and I found myself seeking the comforting shade of a telephone pole. Then, four hours and 88 km later (no, that’s right, 88 km) I really began to regret it. As soon as I had a fruit smoothie in my hand, I retreated to the shade and did not think I was that pink. Now, at 8:46 PM, I am as red as a lobster. Well my arms and one ear are anyway. My helmet and the fact that your head is down a lot of the time seems to have spared my face.

Surprisingly I am not that sore. My t’aint is not feeling great, but other than that, things seem to be okay. I did an hours yoga to try and alleviate any stiffness tomorrow and think I will be okay. Considering that Daphne is the only bike I have been on in years, and she is not exactly speedy, I feel rather good. I borrowed a friends “second hand bike that cost $1000! These IronMen and IronWomen are serious about their sport. Do you know how many pie plates I could buy for that kind of money? Or plants for the garden? Or bottles of gin?

When I asked “how do these clippie things work” my sister and her friends thought they were going to be pulling dead weight all day. But aside from one or two hills, I found my breathing quite calm and regular. And I didn’t fall over once trying to get out of the clips AND I got quite comfortable in what is called the arrow position. Smell me. Actually, after four hours, you probably didn’t want too. P.U.

There is now talk of me doing an ironman next year, but unless I can learn to stop sinking like a stone while I try to swim, I am thinking not. It also dawned on me that after I did DOUBLE the cycling we did today I would also have to run a full marathon. Ummm, I think no.